From Crossroad to Crossover

There is something about the hours leading to the culmination of a new year…tangible excitement, reflections, and hope of what is to come. As evening quickly fades, we keep an eye on the clock. Because we can’t miss it. We can’t miss the countdown, the very moments leading to the crossover. And when the clock strikes midnight, it’s as if time stands still…

In the days and moments leading up to 2020, a new year and decade, I found myself in grateful anticipation and reflection. I thought about how much God has done for me over the past decade, and how different my life would have been if I hadn’t chosen to surrender my all to Him. The single, greatest lesson that I learned from 2009 through 2019 — JESUS is the ONLY way. Period. 

The very beginning of this lesson came for me in September of 2014, when I was 27 years old. I remember it like it was yesterday. One summer afternoon I was sitting in my apartment, and I began doing a mental inventory of all that I had — two degrees, a car, a stable job, friends, and a boyfriend. Not half bad for someone my age (or so I thought). However, I was very unhappy. My heart felt like an empty, cold shell. I thought to myself, “Who am I?” The only answers I had for this rather perplexing question were based on my achievements and possessions, along with the opinions of other people. 

My mind swirled as I took an even deeper inventory of my relationships. I had already been in one five-year dating relationship that ended when I was 22 years old, shortly after I graduated college. Yet here I was again…at 27 years old…approaching the fifth year of another relationship with someone else. And while this relationship was unlike the first, the tell-tale patterns of my emotional roller coaster – up one day, down the next – were very familiar to me. 

I had been on this ride before, but this time was different, and I had nothing left within me to give.

I was mentally and emotionally exhausted. Critical and bitter. Cold and selfish. Even worse, when I looked at myself in the mirror, I saw someone that I did not recognize or love. I had become so accustomed to filtering my emotions and putting on a facade, I didn’t know how to distinguish between the fake me and the real me. And that’s when it hit me — I didn’t have a clue who I was. It shook me to the core. I wondered, “How did I end up here?” “How could I have allowed this to happen?”

I had a lot of tough decisions to make. But little did I know, God was preparing me for a major shift in my life trajectory. 

The following Saturday, I set out to make the 2.5 hour drive from Durham to my hometown (Whiteville). Just me, the open road, and complete silence. Within a few minutes, an emotional turbulence ensued as I accepted the reality of my emptiness and lack of identity. I accepted the possibility of another breakup, being single, alone, and having to start over, AGAIN. I cried and cried…

Somewhere in the midst of my uncontrollable tears I heard a still voice say, “Trust me.” The voice was very loving and comforting, then I heard it again, “Trust me.” I knew it was God speaking, and those were the only words that He kept speaking to me, over and over again. “Trust me, trust me, trust me…” 

I had no clue how to respond. I was afraid and ashamed. I felt like a failure. My mouth was crippled by the writhing pangs in my stomach and chest. My eyes swelled under pressure from the wall of tears. My tears were my only response – the only language I knew how to speak in that moment. But deep down in my heart, I knew God understood what I was saying. 

You have taken account of my wanderings; Put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not recorded in Your book?

Psalm 56:8 (AMP)

For a while, I toiled over what God was speaking and my emotions. I was in the boxing ring, witnessing my own personal battle of faith versus fear. The odds didn’t look too great from my end. But somewhere around the 10th or 11th round in that ring…at some point between Exit 276 off I-40 E and Exit 46A off I-95 S, faith won with a total knock-out. I decided to take GOD at His Word.

I came to a crossroad where I was presented with a choice,
Follow the road most traveled, people,
Or the one way street, His voice.
(from my poem, “Crossroads”)

A few hours later, I made it home. Two days and one conversation later, I was single. At the end of the weekend, I returned to Durham. The coming days felt like months, and the months felt like years as I coped with my emotions. For nearly three years, I tried to fill the void with busyness, casual dating, hobbies…anything to get my mind off the pain. 

But none of it ever worked, because spiritual issues cannot be solved with temporary fixes. Wounds cannot be dealt with unless the bandages are removed.  

When I realized that I was only making a bigger mess of things, I finally surrendered my pain to God. Over time, through much prayer and personal ministry, God showed me that my pain was much deeper than heartbreak, that it traced all the way back to childhood guilt, rejection, and abandonment. But the more I prayed and cried out to God, the more He reassured me that He would never leave me. I found a strong tower and refuge — a place where I could be vulnerable, but safe and at peace. 

The name of the LORD is a strong tower: the righteous runneth into it, and is safe.

Proverbs 18:10 (KJV)

With each passing day, the more I gave God access to my heart, the more He peeled back layer after layer, uncovering the core of who He created me to be. He surrounded me with loved ones, church family, and friends who poured life into me. And each day, I got stronger and stronger.  

Jesus said, ‘The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised…‘

Luke 4:18 (KJV)

God the Father, the Son (Jesus Christ), and the Holy Spirit are one. Religion did not heal me, my relationship with Jesus did. I am a living testimony that Jesus redeems and restores. Nothing and no one in this world compares to the freedom I have found in Jesus. He taught me how to let go and how to forgive myself and others. He showed me how to love and seek Him first, above all else. He welcomed me into His loving arms and pointed me to my Father, God Almighty. All of the bumps, bruises, and scars were worth it to arrive at this point. Finally, I know WHO and WHOSE I am.

When you make a conscious decision to obey,
you’ll hit a few bumps, gain a few scars along the way
You will be stretched, literally…
Beyond complacency.
Because your place of calling will not be a place of comfort,
And what you feel like you’re losing, God is really loosing…
Then all of a sudden, adversity resembles opportunity.
And pain resembles change,
And the filtered image of that victim you once were,
Begins to fade away.
(from my poem, “Crossroads”)

Father God continues to prove His overwhelming love for me. Although I am still growing, I am so thankful for undeniable transformation. From victim to victor. From broken to restored. From coward to courageous. From captive to free! 

Maybe you are struggling with a tough decision, or emotional wounds. Or maybe you are dealing with painful memories of rejection or abandonment. Let me encourage you – your true identity is not in people, places, or things, but it is found in God alone. There is no wound that He cannot heal. He specializes in heart surgery, and He makes all things new. 

Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.

2nd Corinthians 5:17 (KJV)

My earnest prayer is that you will welcome Jesus into your heart, allow Him to heal you and reveal the good will and purpose that our heavenly Father has for you. He loves you more than you could ever possibly imagine. His agape love, a love that is unconditional and without boundaries, is the best healing balm.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

Jeremiah 29:11 (KJV)

Be encouraged, my friend. Every crossroad will lead to another, then another, and another. But when you trust in God – the One who created the direction for your destiny – you’re guaranteed to crossover into the promise.